An Unbiased (Not Really) Account of 'The Bachelor' Women

When I watch a reality TV show, especially one such as The Biggest Loser, I often try to analyze the contestants to figure out why they act the way they do and maybe unearth some underlying insecurities or issues. I know. I’m that good.

So, when I tried to do the same with the contestants on this season of The Bachelor, I was instead faced with the task of trying to console myself that I am not like these women. I am not. I promise.

As I watch the women shriek, scream, and giggle uncontrollably whenever Jake says “hi”, I can’t help but wonder why women act so stupid around good looking guys. Granted, I act like a numpty when I have to talk to a good looking guy as I can’t even put a sentence together, but that’s a topic for my therapist to work on (once I find one to talk to me – they never return my calls), and I don’t want to take any work away from him or her by self-analyzing.

I am actually embarrassed to be a woman when they start screaming and running everywhere, most recently toward a big bus. It is a BUS. Or towards the water. Or towards the bar (wait, no, I can understand that one). My point, however, is that there is no need to scream and run and jump with joy at every God damn thing that happens.

And playing hide and seek? I don’t even play that anymore, and I played kid games a lot longer than was considered normal for kids my age.

The only reason I could understand their actions is if these women are just perpetually drunk. I sure as hell would be. They seem to have access to unlimited alcohol, and I know for a fact that I would spend my time beside the pool with a huge bottle of wine and a smutty novella that details all the good stuff. Screw getting to know the other contestants. Who the hell cares about being best friends with the other women when you’re secretly hoping that the skinny bitch in the size two bikini puts on 50 pounds and develops incurable acne all in one night? I put a lot of energy into hating pretty, skinny girls, and I sure as hell wouldn’t throw that hard work away just to gush over a man with them on TV. No. I would spend my time making up stories about Candy’s liposuction and Britney’s Botox injections. Is that bitchy? Maybe. But that’s how I’d play the game when I wasn’t winning Jake over with my wit, intelligence, and Hollywood worthy good looks.

I can’t help but wonder if these women are as mortified about their actions as I am when they watch the show. But, since I’ve never been in this situation (and never will be, because you have to provide your weight to apply, and we all know that my self-proclaimed 120 lbs looks different in real life), I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.

There must be something about the California sun, warm weather, and sexy smile of Jake’s that make these women’s brains turn to mush. So he rides a motorcycle, wears a really hot pilot uniform, and has a great body. Okay, and he has a sexy Southern accent. He’s not THAT great. Not that I wouldn’t try to seduce him with the promise of alcohol and sexual favours if I ever met him. But I’d rather use that magic (it would take all I have) on Gerard Butler.

Love,

Bella

Let's Reflect, Shall We?

So. New decade. Who's excited?

I used to be the resolution type, but then I used to be an extremely optimistic, cheerful person. Things change. Why make resolutions when, let's be honest, they're usually broken by the end of January? (To all of you who are thinking, "But I keep my resolutions all year!": goody for you. Go celebrate with a celery stick). I can think of better things to be doing at the start of a year than killing myself at the gym, starving myself of my favourite foods, or trying to be nice to every single person I meet. Please. I spent my New Year's Day sleeping off a hangover and eating copious amounts of chocolate. Suck it, resolutions.

With my strong dislike for my job and general discontent with where I am in my life, I've been spending the beginning of 2010 "reflecting". Not about one specific thing, and not even about just me, but about everything that affects me and the people around me.

I don't want to say that I've had an epiphany about life, because I don't believe in epiphanies. Those are what happen at the end of movies where the characters realize what their lives mean, and then they live happily ever after. I love those movies. But life isn't like that. Epiphanies in reality are simply moments of clarity that come when you think enough about your life to realize that some things need to change.

In my current situation, I've had a lot of time to think about happiness. Sure, there's "sunshine and rainbows" happy, but whoever is that happy is either on some strong drugs (and, if that's the case, I want some) or they're faking it. Either way, they're really bloody annoying. I think a lot of people get the impression that I'm a bitter and cynical person, but I'm not. Sure, I'm unhappy with some things in my life, but I know that I have it good and I'm grateful for that.

Thing is, life is too damn short to be REALLY unhappy. I've been there, and it's like a personal hell. Waking up every day wondering what the point of living is isn't really an ideal mindset to be in. Now that I'm out of that, I want to live my life as full and as happy as I can. I could settle with what I have now and play it safe, but that's not something that I want to do. I want to travel, have amazing experiences, meet wonderful people, do something that I love and get paid for it, and have passionate relationships that maybe won't last forever but will leave me with fabulous memories for the rest of my life.

When I look to the future, I can't really see what it'll be like, because when I try to figure out who I am and what I'm meant to do, I don't honestly know who or what the answer is. And I think that's okay. I'm still young, and it's exciting to think that I have all these options (once I figure out what options I want to take).

So, ask yourself...are you happy? When you think about your life, who you spend it with, what you're doing, and who you surround yourself with, is it what you want? The people in your life make or break it, so I know that, in any relationship that I'm in, I want to love the person that I'm with so much that it hurts. Sure, there's a great chance of having my heart broken, but I've been so afraid of that in the past that I've never gone after the guy that I really want. I don't want to live my life with "what if's". That doesn't mean that I'm going to go after him right now, because I'm a major coward when it comes to that, but I am going to stop shutting myself off towards him and stop hoping to God that he doesn't realize my feelings for him. That's not going to get me anywhere with him or with anyone else in my life.

Tell people how you feel. Fall in love. Get hurt. It'll probably make you stronger and happier with yourself in the end. If you're not happy, do something about it. Don't live with stress and tension, because it affects your life and the lives of those around you. Work your stuff out with people that you have stuff to work out with. Do yourself a favour - create your own definition of happy and be the example of it. Go for what you want, in any capacity, and change what you're unhappy with. And don't be complacent. You are the only person in charge of your own happiness, so figure out what will make YOU happy and make that your focus. Your future self will thank you for it.

Love,

Bella