Overcoming Obstacles

This blog, which I thought was going to be a place to detail my weight loss triumphs and failures with great wit and astoundingly intellectual insights, has become more of a place for me to write through the emotions that bounce around in my head as I sit at work and come up with new ways to get a boyfriend.

(Maybe I should rename my part of this blog "The Emotional Vomit of a Fat (Albeit Gorgeous) Girl"...)

It's no secret that I want to lose weight, with my ultimate goal to look like Megan Fox or Marisa Miller from Victoria's Secret, but there are many other factors that surround weight loss rather than just the physical. What many people don't seem to understand is that there are a lot of emotional factors that hinder one's ability to finally drop the weight and be the best person that they can be. Sure, the main part of weight loss is consuming less than you burn, but food takes on an entirely different meaning to those people who are unaware of how to work through their emotions, and instead they turn to food and eat their feelings.

My weight has been on my conscience since I was 14 and a freshman in high school. I remember lying about weighing 125 lbs, instead claiming to weigh a mere 115 lbs. Oh, to be there now! But I've been struggling with my appearance ever since. I'm a self confessed emotional eater, and I know exactly when it started. I was 15, and I was working in a grocery store with people that I didn't like, doing a job that I didn't want to do. Every night after work, I would come home and eat probably 500 calories worth of junk. It was my comfort during a time when I didn't know how else to deal. And it never stopped.

Now, at 22, binge eating has become so much a part of my life that I immediately turn to food when I feel the need for comfort. The high fat, high sugar snacks feel like a big hug (pathetic, eh?). When I'm eating alone, I don't have to delve deep into my subconscious to determine why I feel the way I do, because the act of eating distracts me. It's hard to admit the addiction that I have to food and the way it makes me feel, but I think that a lot of other people deal with the same issues and, speaking from experience, it helps to know that others understand.

Usually, understanding the cause of weight gain - binge eating - is the first step to overcoming it, much like an addiction. I've done enough research to know that binge eating is as much an eating disorder as anorexia and bulimia, but much less known. Perhaps this is because over eating and obesity is a source of shame and embarassment for many people, myself included. General consensus is that binge eating can be stopped, whereas anorexia or bulimia are diseases. Binge eating is just a result of someone who cannot practice self-control - or so people may think.

When one becomes so used to dealing with their emotions in a certain way - or not dealing, as is the case in my own circumstance - it is difficult to change one's thinking and habits. I know what my problem is, but after having gone through 2 months of therapy, I also know that people can push themselves down so low that they develop a sort of "persecutor" who continually "tells" them that they aren't good enough. When one hears that in one's own mind, no one else can tell that person otherwise. It's difficult to fight a battle that is against yourself. (I know a lot of people probably think that this way of thinking is a load of shit, and that's fine - I'm merely presenting my own thoughts on the issue).

The thing is, when you're told you're not good enough either by your persecutor or by someone in your life (such as bullies - thanks for that), that belief is internalized so completely that it's incredibly difficult to change one's frame of mind. This is where the problem lies with people that claim to have emotional barriers that prevent them from losing weight. I can't speak for everyone, obviously, so I can only detail my own experience with these emotional barriers. For one, I've been binge eating for the better part of my teen years and early 20s. It's part of my lifestyle and, as much as I hate it, it's comforting. Changing that habit and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone is terrifying, because I know that I will eventually have to face whatever it is that I am trying to stop myself from facing (and I honestly don't know what that is).

I'm comfortable where I am and, despite my strong desire to be thin and garner attention from the opposite sex, it's also terrifying. Right now, with a few extra pounds, I'm safe from ogling men that see women as their ticket to sex. Right now, when a guy doesn't like me, I have a reason, as opposed to him just not liking who I am. Right now, I'm safe and hidden and have an excuse as to why I'm not taking risks - "I'll do it when I'm thin".

That's why it's hard to lose weight for emotional reasons, because extra pounds are usually a result of some underlying insecurity or sadness that food fuels and covers. It takes a lot more than willpower and physical determination to lose weight. It takes soul searching, confidence building, and bravery to look deep within yourself and not only find out who you are, but learn to love that person.

This post turned out to be deeper and more revealing about myself than I initially intended, but that's the point to writing a blog. It's therapeutic and, hopefully, it'll reach people who deal with the same things. Maybe, just maybe, it will encourage them to delve deeper in their emotional state of mind to finally see the wonderful people that they are.

Love,

Bella

In Shameless Promotion of A Writer Almost Up to Par With Me...

As a result of my life taking on a certain quietness at the present time, I've had a difficult time creating topics that are interesting enough that I won't fall asleep while typing about them, and you won't fall asleep while reading about them.

Unlike my "gifted" (a term I use loosely) older brother, who has been blessed with the ability of writing semi-interesting posts filled with mediocre humour and polluted with uncomfortable sexual nuances and references, I am not as intuitive to take something out of nothing in order to entertain the masses (of our hometown). Thus, I've taken this opportunity to promote Brother Bella's (whom I will reference as Tewks from here on out) new blog. I have to give him credit where it's due - his posts that aren't about sports (I tend to bypass those ones as I couldn't care less what A-Rod and whoever else is of any importance in the sporting world is doing) are entertaining, enlightening, and surprisingly deprecating for someone who thinks so highly of himself. I especially enjoyed his post where he answered questions asked of him by readers of the blog, mostly because my two questions were the most entertaining of the bunch.

Tewks has branched off from his weekly blog posts with his buddy Gretzpo, leaving me to wonder if they've had some sort of lovers' spat and are no longer interested in sharing blog space to detail their failed attempts at having any sort of meaningful (or otherwise) relationship with women. A new blog site has been born from Tewks' misconstrued notion that his legions of followers contain those outside of our immediate family, which you can find at Talkin' with Tewks.

I know what you might be thinking: "Bella, aren't you jealous of your brother and his attention grabbing ways that cause people to tell you how amazing he is?" Tired, maybe, but never jealous. On the contrary, I'm extremely proud of my brother's successes and I hope that he makes it in the entertainment business so that he can live out his dream of being a famous actor (or at least his dream of appearing on the cover of "Star" magazine as the latest womanizer on "The Hills"). Maybe I'm feeling particularly loving towards my big brother, but I prefer to think that I am choosing to dedicate my blog post to his endeavours because, as a writer, I am able to recognize talent when I see it (even if it isn't comparable to mine).

So, there you have it. I encourage you all to read his new blog and be entertained by his warped sense of humour that I, myself, am still shocked by to this day.

To Tewks, I have one thing to say: "Oh, I remember her. Was she a great big fat person?"

Love,

Bella

Some people, including myself, never learn...

Leafs fans. We're pretty awesome, right? Well, we can also be just plain stupid, or stupidly loyal. I'm going to say it's a little bit of both, depending on the game.
I actually have a bone to pick with this team (Thanksgiving, turkey - get it? ha...ha...ha...GONG!) How can one team, who looked SO incredibly promising in the preseason (winning 6 of 9 games), be going into the start of the ACTUAL season which actually COUNTS with a record of 0-4. Some of the games haven't even been close - the game against Washingston was 6-4, and Pittsburgh was 5-2. Dammit Leafs...just dammit!!

This year we have some body on our team. Just look at Colton Orr! The guy is amazing! He wears my idol, Tie Domi's, former number 28. He makes me pretty proud, and I'm sure Domi is loving it, too. It's the first time since Domi retired from the Leafs and NHL in 2006 that the Leafs have had a real enforcer. Only two minutes into the game against Pittsburgh Orr took on Eric Gondard. Not even five minutes after, he's thrown in the box again for roughing. That was only in Saturday night's game. That record has been continuous all season so far. Love it! At least there is some excitement to watching the game that doesn't involve either a) balling my eyes out, or b) dying a little bit inside with every passing second.

It's probably a good thing that my body has had since April 11, 2009 to rebuild my blue blood count. It looks like it's going to be drained realllllllllll early this year. I feel like deleting my previous post about how awesome this season is going to be. If anything, I jynxed them myself. It's only natural that a good looking team will fall apart when it counts (and we're not even fighting for a playoff spot, yet!), and a brutal, bleak outlook team would blow you away.

Please, please, PLEASE win against the Rangers tomorrow night! All I am asking for is one win this season, hopefully sooner than later!

A very teary-eyed, broken-hearted Heidi

There's No "I" In Team

I may or may not have forgotten my plan to document my diet and exercise goals through this blog, as I haven’t done so in quite a while. Nothing of any great consequence has occurred in the past couple of weeks, except my venture into the world of team sports.

I decided to join a recreational volleyball team to add another form of exercise to my repertoire, meet some people (read: new guys), and improve my athleticism. Unfortunately, I can’t say that any one of these goals was met in any respect.

After arriving at the centre where volleyball was to take place an hour and a half early, I should have realized that the not so great start was an omen of the events to come. I walked into the gym filled with people wearing knee pads and bumping and volleying the ball back and forth to each other. I don’t even own knee pads, and I was wearing yoga pants and a shirt that displayed the name of my University on the front. I think I was the epitome of preppy girly girl (though I guess that isn’t too far off what I am).

Everyone seemed to know each other, and as they all gave each other high fives, I frantically sent Brother Bella a text asking him what the hell spiking was. I think he was scared for my life, and I can’t say that I was too far off that same fear.

Then the part I dreaded came to a head – the game began. I took my place in the middle back of the court and cracked jokes the entire time on the court while watching the ball fly over the net but never actually going for it. I’m pretty sure my team hated me. I’m pretty sure the other team hated me, and I was working to their advantage. Hell, I may have even hated myself a little bit in that moment.

Ha, who am I kidding, I thought I was hilarious.

In high school, which was also the last time I played volleyball, I was relatively good at serving the ball. I thought that talent (a word I use very loosely) would have carried with me through the years, so I was fairly confident as I took my stance behind the red line. I got all set up, put on my I-am-the-best-server-in-the-world face, tossed the ball a couple times for good measure (and to look like I knew what I was doing), and promptly hit the ball straight into the net.

My teammates were actually very supportive, but by the end of the game I told them that they didn’t have to tell me “good try” after every failed attempt at serving – it just sounded pitiful by that time.

I’m fairly certain that I danced around the court when they told me to rotate, completely involuntarily. I don’t even know why I did it.

Since our two games ended quickly as a result of my team’s loss – okay, my loss – we were allowed the opportunity to play “for fun”. Yay? I could think of many other things that I would have rather done than play more volleyball. My arms hurt and I was getting dizzy from spinning in circles as I kept an eye on the ball. (I’m starting to think I looked like a major retard on the court, which is probably not too far from the truth). My volleyball skills definitely wouldn’t have helped me pick up guys, and from my realization that I looked like an idiot, I think I may have more things to worry about than I thought when it comes to attracting the opposite sex.

All in all, volleyball isn’t for me, so I withdrew from the league. Actually, team sports aren’t for me. I take the saying "There's no 'I' in team" to a whole other level. I’m a yoga/pilates/pole dancing kind of girl, and I’m okay with that. I'm pretty sure my teammates are, too.

Love,

Bella