This blog, which I thought was going to be a place to detail my weight loss triumphs and failures with great wit and astoundingly intellectual insights, has become more of a place for me to write through the emotions that bounce around in my head as I sit at work and come up with new ways to get a boyfriend.
(Maybe I should rename my part of this blog "The Emotional Vomit of a Fat (Albeit Gorgeous) Girl"...)
It's no secret that I want to lose weight, with my ultimate goal to look like Megan Fox or Marisa Miller from Victoria's Secret, but there are many other factors that surround weight loss rather than just the physical. What many people don't seem to understand is that there are a lot of emotional factors that hinder one's ability to finally drop the weight and be the best person that they can be. Sure, the main part of weight loss is consuming less than you burn, but food takes on an entirely different meaning to those people who are unaware of how to work through their emotions, and instead they turn to food and eat their feelings.
My weight has been on my conscience since I was 14 and a freshman in high school. I remember lying about weighing 125 lbs, instead claiming to weigh a mere 115 lbs. Oh, to be there now! But I've been struggling with my appearance ever since. I'm a self confessed emotional eater, and I know exactly when it started. I was 15, and I was working in a grocery store with people that I didn't like, doing a job that I didn't want to do. Every night after work, I would come home and eat probably 500 calories worth of junk. It was my comfort during a time when I didn't know how else to deal. And it never stopped.
Now, at 22, binge eating has become so much a part of my life that I immediately turn to food when I feel the need for comfort. The high fat, high sugar snacks feel like a big hug (pathetic, eh?). When I'm eating alone, I don't have to delve deep into my subconscious to determine why I feel the way I do, because the act of eating distracts me. It's hard to admit the addiction that I have to food and the way it makes me feel, but I think that a lot of other people deal with the same issues and, speaking from experience, it helps to know that others understand.
Usually, understanding the cause of weight gain - binge eating - is the first step to overcoming it, much like an addiction. I've done enough research to know that binge eating is as much an eating disorder as anorexia and bulimia, but much less known. Perhaps this is because over eating and obesity is a source of shame and embarassment for many people, myself included. General consensus is that binge eating can be stopped, whereas anorexia or bulimia are diseases. Binge eating is just a result of someone who cannot practice self-control - or so people may think.
When one becomes so used to dealing with their emotions in a certain way - or not dealing, as is the case in my own circumstance - it is difficult to change one's thinking and habits. I know what my problem is, but after having gone through 2 months of therapy, I also know that people can push themselves down so low that they develop a sort of "persecutor" who continually "tells" them that they aren't good enough. When one hears that in one's own mind, no one else can tell that person otherwise. It's difficult to fight a battle that is against yourself. (I know a lot of people probably think that this way of thinking is a load of shit, and that's fine - I'm merely presenting my own thoughts on the issue).
The thing is, when you're told you're not good enough either by your persecutor or by someone in your life (such as bullies - thanks for that), that belief is internalized so completely that it's incredibly difficult to change one's frame of mind. This is where the problem lies with people that claim to have emotional barriers that prevent them from losing weight. I can't speak for everyone, obviously, so I can only detail my own experience with these emotional barriers. For one, I've been binge eating for the better part of my teen years and early 20s. It's part of my lifestyle and, as much as I hate it, it's comforting. Changing that habit and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone is terrifying, because I know that I will eventually have to face whatever it is that I am trying to stop myself from facing (and I honestly don't know what that is).
I'm comfortable where I am and, despite my strong desire to be thin and garner attention from the opposite sex, it's also terrifying. Right now, with a few extra pounds, I'm safe from ogling men that see women as their ticket to sex. Right now, when a guy doesn't like me, I have a reason, as opposed to him just not liking who I am. Right now, I'm safe and hidden and have an excuse as to why I'm not taking risks - "I'll do it when I'm thin".
That's why it's hard to lose weight for emotional reasons, because extra pounds are usually a result of some underlying insecurity or sadness that food fuels and covers. It takes a lot more than willpower and physical determination to lose weight. It takes soul searching, confidence building, and bravery to look deep within yourself and not only find out who you are, but learn to love that person.
This post turned out to be deeper and more revealing about myself than I initially intended, but that's the point to writing a blog. It's therapeutic and, hopefully, it'll reach people who deal with the same things. Maybe, just maybe, it will encourage them to delve deeper in their emotional state of mind to finally see the wonderful people that they are.
Love,
Bella
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