So. New decade. Who's excited?
I used to be the resolution type, but then I used to be an extremely optimistic, cheerful person. Things change. Why make resolutions when, let's be honest, they're usually broken by the end of January? (To all of you who are thinking, "But I keep my resolutions all year!": goody for you. Go celebrate with a celery stick). I can think of better things to be doing at the start of a year than killing myself at the gym, starving myself of my favourite foods, or trying to be nice to every single person I meet. Please. I spent my New Year's Day sleeping off a hangover and eating copious amounts of chocolate. Suck it, resolutions.
With my strong dislike for my job and general discontent with where I am in my life, I've been spending the beginning of 2010 "reflecting". Not about one specific thing, and not even about just me, but about everything that affects me and the people around me.
I don't want to say that I've had an epiphany about life, because I don't believe in epiphanies. Those are what happen at the end of movies where the characters realize what their lives mean, and then they live happily ever after. I love those movies. But life isn't like that. Epiphanies in reality are simply moments of clarity that come when you think enough about your life to realize that some things need to change.
In my current situation, I've had a lot of time to think about happiness. Sure, there's "sunshine and rainbows" happy, but whoever is that happy is either on some strong drugs (and, if that's the case, I want some) or they're faking it. Either way, they're really bloody annoying. I think a lot of people get the impression that I'm a bitter and cynical person, but I'm not. Sure, I'm unhappy with some things in my life, but I know that I have it good and I'm grateful for that.
Thing is, life is too damn short to be REALLY unhappy. I've been there, and it's like a personal hell. Waking up every day wondering what the point of living is isn't really an ideal mindset to be in. Now that I'm out of that, I want to live my life as full and as happy as I can. I could settle with what I have now and play it safe, but that's not something that I want to do. I want to travel, have amazing experiences, meet wonderful people, do something that I love and get paid for it, and have passionate relationships that maybe won't last forever but will leave me with fabulous memories for the rest of my life.
When I look to the future, I can't really see what it'll be like, because when I try to figure out who I am and what I'm meant to do, I don't honestly know who or what the answer is. And I think that's okay. I'm still young, and it's exciting to think that I have all these options (once I figure out what options I want to take).
So, ask yourself...are you happy? When you think about your life, who you spend it with, what you're doing, and who you surround yourself with, is it what you want? The people in your life make or break it, so I know that, in any relationship that I'm in, I want to love the person that I'm with so much that it hurts. Sure, there's a great chance of having my heart broken, but I've been so afraid of that in the past that I've never gone after the guy that I really want. I don't want to live my life with "what if's". That doesn't mean that I'm going to go after him right now, because I'm a major coward when it comes to that, but I am going to stop shutting myself off towards him and stop hoping to God that he doesn't realize my feelings for him. That's not going to get me anywhere with him or with anyone else in my life.
Tell people how you feel. Fall in love. Get hurt. It'll probably make you stronger and happier with yourself in the end. If you're not happy, do something about it. Don't live with stress and tension, because it affects your life and the lives of those around you. Work your stuff out with people that you have stuff to work out with. Do yourself a favour - create your own definition of happy and be the example of it. Go for what you want, in any capacity, and change what you're unhappy with. And don't be complacent. You are the only person in charge of your own happiness, so figure out what will make YOU happy and make that your focus. Your future self will thank you for it.
Love,
Bella
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