Coyotes Will Continue to Suffer in Southwest

It has just been released that the Phoenix Coyotes will remain in Arizona, to the dismay of Canadian moneybags Jim Balsillie. Balsillie offered to buy the distressed team for $212.5 million. However, the catch was that the team would be relocated to the glorious North, and be placed in the oh-so-wonderful city of Hamilton. The NHL wasn’t too keen on this demand, and instead wants a local sucker to take the bait and buy the team so that it can stay in Phoenix, who just spent a ridiculous $183 million on constructing a new arena. Apparently, if no such person can be tricked into buying an already disastrous team by the time the season comes around, the League itself will finance it for the 2009-2010 season…I’d like to see how long that lasts. I don’t doubt that if noone “local” is found that Balsillie will be back in the game trying to bring another team to Canada. And who knows, maybe if the League realizes that noone really wants an unstable team in Phoenix, Balsillie (or some other stupidly rich person) will get the team for less.

Let’s talk about the geographics for a minute. Arizona is located in the middle of nowhere in the Southwest United States. It is surrounded by California, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, and the U.S.’s best friend, Mexico. Say what you will, most of these states are crazy hot and end up with dry spells where water is scarce, let alone having ice anywhere other than the ice cube tray in the freezer. Again, stereotyping, but the residents of these areas are likely to be ones that are particularly susceptible to the conception that we, as Canadians, live in igloos with our pet polar bears year round, and where instead of going to elementary school we have hockey school for the general population, and zamboni school for the athletically-challenged. Ice hockey just doesn’t seem to be at home in Phoenix. Maybe they should try ball hockey. Let’s look at ticket prices, just for kicks and giggles: on the Coyotes’ website they advertise season’s tickets for the upcoming 2009-2010 season for as low as $49.95 per MONTH. Are you kidding me?! Even with the conversion to Canadian monies it’s an absolute max of $60-65. You can’t even buy a single Leafs’ game ticket for that much, let alone an entire month worth of games! You would have to kill a unicorn to be able to afford season’s tickets at the ACC. Believe me, I’ve never been to a Leafs game due to the contract one is forced to sign upon purchasing the ticket. The contract, as I recall, was as follows:

I, ____________, agree to pay the Air Canada Center the price of the ticket ($_____) in the following methods: 1) the actual price of ticket, as has been added to my current mortgage and will thus be paid for, in full, in 25 years time; 2) As payment for interest, I agree to have my left arm and right leg amputated, as well as giving my right kidney to the team to send to Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto; and, if applicable, a warrant for my first born to train as a water boy or girl for the team until they reach the age of 21.

It’s ridiculous. I would have put actual numbers in, but ticket information isn’t up on the site yet. However, the ACC is always sold out; even with the poor results that so often plagues the adored team and the recession that has hit the nations. Phoenix has to practically give the tickets away for free, and even then, if a lawn bowling game came up the entire audience would probably flock to it, with the odd few who would stay behind to really see what this “sport” is all about (ya know, the one with the funny-lookin’ helmets and shoes with metal strips nailed to them). Although this exact description is probably way off from the truth (remember those distorted facts we warned you about?), the team has lost more than $300 million dollars since it moved to Phoenix from Canada (Winnipeg, MB) in 1996. Doesn’t that tell you something? The Phoenix Coyotes, while in Arizona, will remain the Chrysler of the NHL, with the League itself as the new Obama.

The city and the NHL did not want the team to leave Phoenix, but they were not alone. We just went through how crazy Leafs fans are. I mean, who is willing to go into debt and give up their child’s adolescence and teenage years for 60 minutes of hockey? Oh, right…us. If the team was moved to Hamilton, Ontario, it would create a cluster of NHL teams in a small area – good for fans, bad for business. Thanks to MapQuest, Hamilton is only 47 minutes away from the home of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and only 1 hour and 50 minutes away from the Buffalo Sabers. Chances are, the new Coyotes audience would resemble a collage of blue and white. The home of the hated Ottawa Senators is over 5 hours from the ACC; however, that does not stop Leafs fans from flocking to their arena where they often drown out the cries of the pigheaded Sens bandwagon jumpers. Maybe, for once, the ACC would be challenged to lower their prices to make some sort of competition. Nice thinking. There will still be the diehards who find money to go to a home game. Meh, its business, you can’t fight it, even in a recession. I have no doubt that the Coyotes would do well in an area that eats, sleeps, and breathes hockey, but it’s also politics. I don’t understand that chaos, nor do I care to. I have enough of my own stuff to worry about rather than trying to figure out someone else’s hidden agenda in that realm.

Better luck this season trying to fill some seats, Phoenix. You’re going to need it… along with actual fans.

Peace out!
-Heidi